Dear Anxiety

Dear Anxiety,

I’m not taking you back. I don’t care how hard you try. I’m no longer under your control.

You’ve been quite sneaky attempting to slither your way back in while I lay in bed at night. I see what you’re doing, taking advantage of the darkness and silence. Using my stillness as an invitation to run wild in my thoughts. Bringing up our postponed plans, what ifs, whys, and what nexts…flooding me with uncertainty and sadness.

You have my peace in a chokehold, squeezing until I begin drowning under the weight of my rapid heartbeat, tears welling up in my eyes.

I fight you off with deep breaths in and forceful breaths out as if the audible flow of air pushing through my lips is pulling you out of my chest. I do this over and over.

Then I start replacing those rampant thoughts with healing phrases:
Be anxious for nothing. I give you peace. Be anxious for nothing. I give you peace. Be anxious for nothing…

The weight begins to lift.
I slow my breaths.
You’re gone.

A worship chorus pops in:

Way maker
Miracle worker
Promise keeper
Light in the darkness
My God
That is who you are
Way maker
Miracle worker
Promise keeper
Light in the darkness
My God
That is who you are*

I don’t remember past that point because His peace has washed over me now, protecting me from you as I drift off to sleep.

You will not do this to me each night, Anxiety. You will not keep me awake or disturb my sleeping husband. I refuse to let you worm your way back in.

I’ve come too far. I’ve grown too much to give up the freedom I gained by breaking up with you.

You are my past. With you, there is no future.

No matter how many times I have to call on the name of the Lord, how many verses I have to repeat, or how many times it takes lifting my hands and surrendering my life to Him…

I will not surrender to you.

Do you hear me?

I will shout it from the mountain tops if I must.

You. Are. Done.

We. Are. Through.

No longer yours,

Me

*Way Maker, song by Sinach

Author: Ashley

Midwest girl. Enjoying life with my husband.